


Uncle Jack/The Nightman

by Frankenmacchardee



Category: It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia
Genre: Dark Comedy, Episode: s06e02 Dennis Gets Divorced, Gen, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, Missing Scene, POV Alternating, Season/Series 06, The Nightman - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-03-05
Updated: 2021-03-05
Packaged: 2021-03-18 02:42:33
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 977
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29851362
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Frankenmacchardee/pseuds/Frankenmacchardee
Summary: Missing scene of Charlie, Dennis, Frank, and Mac discussing Uncle Jack before he worked as their divorce lawyer (Dennis Gets Divorced), tackling that talk in the typical IASIP manner. I.e. insensitive, crass assholes yelling over each other.
Relationships: Charlie Kelly & Dennis Reynolds, Charlie Kelly & Frank Reynolds, Charlie Kelly & Mac McDonald, Dennis Reynolds & Frank Reynolds, Mac McDonald & Dennis Reynolds, Mac McDonald & Frank Reynolds
Kudos: 12





	Uncle Jack/The Nightman

**Author's Note:**

> In Time’s Up for the Gang they all (besides Charlie) fully accept that Uncle Jack is The Nightman, so I pictured when that discussion took place.

Whilst it was offensive to Charlie that Dennis didn’t want him as his lawyer, he accepted defeat. “I have a family member who’s a lawyer, he’ll probably do it.”

Immediately Mac grimaced, not wanting Uncle Jack to enter the bar or his apartment. “Uncle Jack?” 

“Yeah.” Charlie confirmed before a swig of his beer.

“Who the shit’s Uncle Jack?” Frank asked, in a constant struggle to keep up with these kids and their circle of weird acquaintances. He could barely remember Charlie’s name... sometimes he wasn’t confident that Dennis was really called Dennis.

“Who do you think, Frank?! Clearly he’s Charlie’s uncle!” Dennis exclaimed, thrilled that he didn’t actually share any DNA with this idiot of a man. He was undoubtedly Charlie’s biological father.

This information seemed to blow Frank’s feeble mind. “You didn’t tell me you got an uncle, Charlie.” Frank murmured, clearly finding this quite profound for some reason.

“That would be because he’s a pedophile.” Mac remarked with a wince. Dennis did a double take, and Frank raised his eyebrows.

Charlie chuckled awkwardly, making a _what can ya do_ hand gesture. “A little bit, a little bit.”

“You can’t be a little bit of a ped-“

“Why didn’t I know your uncle’s a pedophile?!” Dennis yelled, offended that he’d been left out of yet another childhood sharing of secrets. It was like elementary school had given Charlie and Mac a sacred bond, it wasn’t fair!

“There’s a lot of things you don’t know.” Charlie patronizingly replied, because Dennis is a bastard, man.

“You don’t know how to _read!_ “ Dennis snapped back. Charlie flippantly shrugged, as if literacy was of no importance.

They all casually said goodbye to their regular Mauricio as he left. There was only so much shouting people could tolerate. “He diddle you?” Frank brashly brought Uncle Jack back up. Dennis gave Frank a disdainful glance, as though he had any more tact.

“No, he didn’t diddle me, Frank! What the hell, man?!” Charlie yelled extremely loud, causing the exit of another customer.

“I think Uncle Jack’s The Nightman.” Mac mischievously muttered. He held back a frown when Dennis put a shirt on once he’d finished bathing in the sink.

“Oh...” Dennis gently gasped, opening up a beer. “You know what? That makes a lot of sense...” 

“What?! No, no, no! Uncle Jack isn’t The Nightman!” Charlie shouted in an ungodly high pitch, jumping up from his bar stool so energetically that it almost flew across the room. “Goddamn it! The Nightman isn’t a real person, he’s a- he’s a metaphor!” Charlie hoped he pronounced metaphor correctly.

“I don’t even think you know what that word means, bro.” Mac replied. 

“A metaphor for a rapist. A pedophile rapist.” Dennis remarked.

“I don’t even think it’s a metaphor-“ Mac responded, ignoring Charlie’s enraged groaning.

“It’s not a metaphor, it’s not. There was a rape scene.” Dennis contradicted his last statement with unwavering arrogance. 

“There was not a fucking r-“ Charlie hollered, somehow getting the pitch of his voice even higher. He was going to smack everyone into tiny little pieces. 

“That’s why I was sellin’ the boy’s hole.” Frank casually mumbled. Charlie screeched with frustration and stormed into the men’s bathroom, passing the one customer who’d inexplicably stayed in the bar for the entirety of this conversation. 

The other three men paused for a moment, unsure what they’d been discussing originally. “You think he’s okay? Think he’s just gonna...” Dennis scratched at his ear as he thought. “huff some cleaning supplies?” 

“He’s gonna drink ‘em, I’ve seen him drink ‘em.” Mac confidently predicted, resting his hands on his hips. Frank grunted in agreement, reminding Mac of his beautiful mom. 

“I don’t know if I want a diddler to do my divorce.” Frank was surprisingly the one to steer the conversation back onto the right topic. 

“Me neither, man.” Dennis shook his head in condemnation of that idea.

“Maybe we should call the Jew lawyer after all.” Frank suggested. 

“No!” Mac yelled so abruptly that it made the other two jump. Dennis would scratch his face if he found out that he’d called the lawyer and told him about Dennis’ divorce. Dennis looked inclined to scratch Mac’s face right now just for making him flinch, so Mac gave him puppy dog eyes. “It’s just that we don’t wanna mess with the restraining order, we could go to jail.” 

That was true, and Dennis didn’t want to go to jail. He was far too good looking, jail would be a terribly unsafe place for him. “Fine, call Uncle Jack.” Dennis pointed to the phone book beneath the bar. Mac looked at the phone book and back up at Dennis. 

“Why do I have to call him?” Mac whined, popping open his own beer. “I’m not the one who got married, as a matter of fact, I’m the only one of us that _doesn’t_ need a divorce lawyer!” his hand movements were too aggressive for this beer, it was spilling all over the place. 

“Goddamn it, Mac! First you let me down with no bachelor party and now this?!” Dennis vehemently exclaimed, storming from behind the bar towards the men’s bathroom. Mac sulkily grabbed the phone book and did what Dennis demanded, like always. 

Frank turned in his stool to look at Dennis as he entered the bathroom. “You checkin’ on Charlie?” Frank asked with more concern than he’d ever shown for Dennis or Dee in the entirety of their relationship. Good Lord he was an asshole, Dennis couldn’t wait until they could ship him off to an old folks home. A real bang ‘em and bin ‘em joint.

“No, I’m gonna piss.” Dennis sassily scoffed, not giving a single shit. Frank got down from his stool and followed him into the bathroom, mostly to check on Charlie but also to avoid being alone with Mac.

**Author's Note:**

> If y’all can think of other conversation ideas I’ll write ‘em


End file.
